Enjoy those voices in your head

I was unable to fall asleep. Sitting in the recliner, not curled up in my warm bed, my world was spinning. It was the second ear infection in two months, vertigo rocking my world and nothing more I could do than recline, close my eyes and try to bring restorative sleep.

Saying prayers prior to sleep is what I do, always. So on this night I said those prayers:

"Lighten my darkness I beseech thee O Lord, and by thy great mercy defend me from all dangers and perils of this night, through the mercy of your son, my savior Jesus Christ." (1928 Book of Common Prayer)

"Lord Jesus be with us, for evening is at hand and the day is past. Be our companion in the way. Kindle our hearts and awaken hope that we may come to know you as you are revealed through scripture and the breaking of bread." (Book of Common Prayer, Evening Prayer)

They always comfort me and speak to the Holy Spirit for protection during the night. I am a great believer in the necessity of needing spiritual protection through the night, when you are at rest and not consciously wearing that protective armor of God.

Usually after saying the above prayers I fall into a restful, deep sleep. I'm happy to say that at 58 years old, I don't have a lot of the same sleep deprivation problems my peers do. I sleep pretty well.

Once in a while, however, I can't rest my mind as on this night a few weeks ago.

Oh those voices in my head

I began looking for something comforting to put my mind on. It was February and always a difficult month for me. My mother's birthday was Feb. 2nd, and she's been gone for 33 years. My father passed away in 2002 on Feb. 5, and my sister passed Feb. 19, 2013, after a long battle with congestive heart failure and a terrible six-week-long death process.

February is rough to plow through – but I have faith that each year it will become less complicated for me. In 2014, the first anniversary of my sister's passing and the horrific journey her hospice care entailed - I was ill for the entire six weeks. I never came out of my illness until after her anniversary had passed.

I couldn't let that happen again.

Nevertheless, within two weeks of the second anniversary of her death, here I was, stuck in the recliner again - this time with ear problems, vertigo and an inability to have the freedom to simply get up and walk around the house.

How could I sleep?

Using happy memories

I decided to use the happy memories instead of the sad ones.

I closed my eyes and  recalled my mother's voice - something I can still do all these years later. And so began the memory trail.

I remembered my father's voice and his last words to me, "I love you too, very much." Quite a statement for a man of faith, but who had a difficult time expression emotion to his family.

I remembered my sister's last words, "You are so beautiful," as she looked at me the last time she opened her eyes, hours before her death.

I can hear the cackle of her laugh, her dry sense of humor, how she said my name.

And so I moved on through the voices. This time I could take it further – to old friends and family. I remembered an old adult friend of my parents, Virginia Myers, who lived on a farm in Virginia where I loved to visit. I can hear Virginia's strong southern voice as clearly as if she's standing right here today.

And that brought delightful childhood memories with it.

Before I knew it, I had my brother's voice (he's still with us!), his laugh and his beautiful spontaneity. His son's voice - gone these 33 years too - is in my memory. Jimmy's voice was just like his father's once he'd become an adult.

As I traveled down the voice-memory road, I embarked even further than friends and family. Suddenly, there was Clark Gable and Vivian Leigh – two of my favorite actors, Julie Andrews singing "The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Music," Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire ... so many voices that have brought so much pleasure into my life.

What a blessing to be able to remember them all!

I began to hear Joel Osteen's voice and his latest message from the previous Sunday.

Soon I began to relax and sleep was approaching.

Listening to God

As I began to drift off, I realized I was hearing God's voice too. I had prayed for His protection during the night and he answered, bringing me the comfort of voices I have loved over the years, allowing them into my mind – uninterrupted.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Phillippians 4:6

Mindful mediation can come from many different ways and attempts. You simply have to still your mind and wait for the Lord to speak as I did on this one night.

Listen and He will speak. Listen to those wonderful memories inside your head for comfort and closeness.

The memories are sweet and kind. Concentrate on those, not the bad ones. Let go and let live.