Marriage is work – let's call it 'Conscious Coupling'

It was a gorgeous early fall day in September 1986 when my 72-year-old father walked me down the aisle at last. I was 30, and waiting at the front of the church was my handsome husband-to-be with a huge grin on his face.

We promised to love, honor and obey. We didn't write our own vows, choosing instead to simply recite the standard verse. It was a lovely wedding though bittersweet, for my parents had missed my first wedding and now my mother wasn't there to enjoy the day. She had passed away four years earlier, though was there in spirit. Nevertheless, it was a joyous occasion. My father, handsome in his black clericals, and grinning from ear-to-ear, gave me away and my dear brother presided at the wedding. My sister, stunning in a royal blue dress with her bright blond hair gleaming, attended me.

We had a small handful of friends and family at the intimate reception in the church parish hall next door to my brother's church.

My husband and I dancing at our wedding
reception, Sept. 13, 1986.

My husband and I meant our vows. Both of us were divorced from others and this was our second marriage. In these past 28 years – 30 years total together – we've had it rough at times. We worked really hard to keep our marriage going.

We weathered a difficult pregnancy with our son, and estrangements from his other two children. Financial problems always seemed to plague us, but we've gotten through those too. We've had times when we didn't like each other very much and other times when it was full on bliss.

Somewhere along the line we pulled away from each other, but fought truly hard to bring our relationship back to where it needs to be. And thankfully, our faith and love of Jesus has kept us on the straight and narrow for years now.

Last year, an employee at our chiropractor's office told me, as we headed out the door for lunch after our treatments – it would never occur to her husband of nearly 20 years to go to lunch with her.

Holy cow – does that really happen? I frankly can't begin to count how many women I know who talk trash about their husbands and hate doing anything with them. After 30 years together we still prefer each other's company, and that has required effort. We allow each other time for our own hobbies and each attempts to enjoy the other's interests too.

My husband has been so gracious to accept my ties to the Jesse James history and attended events with me, while I get on the back of his motorcycle and ride around the countryside with him (actually I DO like that) and despite my distasted for all the bikini car washes at the motorcycle dealership, I still go to those events with him.

I guess you would say our hard work and dedication to our marriage has been a 'conscious coupling.' Sometimes we still act like a couple of newlyweds and my husband's face is the first thing I look for in the morning, thanking the good Lord above for that blessing.

So, with that in mind, I find myself annoyed by all the attention focused on Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband's separation. This phrase of theirs, 'conscious uncoupling' taking the lead in making it sound like their inability to commit to working at their marriage is OK.

It's not OK.

I get it – I have been divorced – though a very long time ago.

Paltrow has made the rounds of interviews in the past where she hinted at open marriage, hinted at living apart much of the time and all the things that go with the superstar, mega-millions lifestyle of the rich and famous.

She came from a successful marriage – her parents remained together until her father died.  What happened to that example? Magazine headlines heralded how Gwyneth and hubby worked hard at their 10-year marriage. Oh heck - that's barely out of the honeymoon stage.

Then there are the homes. Who the heck needs four mansions? Together they are worth more than 40 million dollars. Granted, Chris Martin alone made well over that amount in just one year recently. Two of those homes, were they sold, would sure feed a lot of homeless people.

Their friends are coming out of the closet insisting they are not shocked by the marital breakdown. Paltrow has been called a prima donna, and a pampered, member of the jet set. She has no idea how hard it can be to exist in a world where you could lose everything if you lost your job. Where people live from paycheck to paycheck; raising children, providing daycare while the parent works, dealing with the pressures of middle-class life – these are life's difficulties. That's not to say the rich and famous don't have their own issues – it's to say that having all that money means many of them use it to take the easy way out.

I applaud them if they can divorce and keep things amicable for the sake of the children.

I am saddened the couple has split. I agree that not everyone is meant to be married happily ever after. Still, this heavy focus on the couple's split is not important in the great grand scheme of things. After all, Paltrow is a woman who touts healthy food, taking care of one's own self, while photos have been recently released showing that she still smokes cigarettes. If that isn't confusing, I don't know what is.

Perhaps she will consciously uncouple herself from that addiction some day.

In the meantime, my husband and I will continue to consciously couple ourselves right into our 90s I hope, with many more years of marital bliss under our belts.