A loved one has died, you are the executor, now what do you do?

No matter how much planning we do, we are never ready when death comes knocking on our door. My sister recently passed away after 13 years of our taking care of her and 20 years of illness. She did a pretty good job of setting her estate up knowing I would be stepping in to handle her affairs, but I still had a few surprises.

No one can think of everything.

Nevertheless, she left me a letter to be opened upon her death and aside from the personal notes to me, she left me a short list of valuable advice.

• Don't be overly sentimental whilst dealing with the estate.
• Experiencing a loved one's death is a major life change, so don't make any major decisions for a year.
• Don't grieve for my death, "I lived, I loved."

I'll address these three things in this blog, beginning with the last one first.

Don't grieve for my death, "I lived, I loved"

No matter how well we think we know someone, we don't know everything. My sister's advice was for me to not spend my grief time being sad for the idea I had about her life. In other words, there was a lot I didn't know about her life before she became ill and she assured me she lived and loved.

Death comes in a wide variety of ways. None of them are any fun for the deceased, but some are easier than others for the person doing the dying and the loved ones surrounding him/her.

When a person has a disease and has that slow process of dying, the family has time to adjust to their loss. Often the suffering of the deceased is so hard on the family, there is obvious relief when their loved one has passed on.

No matter what, never let anyone tell you it's time to stop grieving; you shouldn't be sad because your loved one suffered so and how dare you be so selfish; or that it's unnatural for you to grieve so much.

Grief is one of the most personal experiences anyone can endure in their lifetime and we all do it differently.

Love is the greatest emotion and, frankly, action – we experience. Therefore, when we lose someone we love, the pain is often unbearable.

Live it, love it, experience it. Cry, sob, allow all the emotions to come and go, like the ebb and flow of the tide. Grief is normal and natural.

Both of my parents and my sister died from diseases in which their dying process was drawn out and they suffered. Nevertheless, we were able to say our goodbyes. My nephew, however, was hit by a car at the age of 18 and died. That experience brought about a totally different grieving process than one could imagine.

One can get through the grieving time with faith, hope and love –  allowing that wonderful love you have for your loved one expand your heart. Love goes with us when we die and becomes larger than we could ever imagine.

It's a good thing.

Experiencing a loved one's death is a major life change

There's an old adage about experiencing several life changes within one year can cause problems in one's life, so be careful about making decisions. Hence my sister's advice to me.

We are creatures of habit and anytime there is a change in our lives, however minute, it can wreak havoc on our physical and mental health. Therefore, when more than one life change occurs in a short time span, it can cause even more difficulty in dealing with day-to-day life.

This year I lost my sister after caring for her for years. I quit a job I loved, but one where I had an abusive, manipulative boss – thus a lot of stress on a daily basis. I moved into a new home. I had a car accident in which I was injured and my sister's car was totaled. My son was in a car accident of his own. And we've had a number of family situations and dramas that have taken a toll on our lives.

That's a lot of life changes, all of which I basically share with my husband, who went through everything with me, including caring for my sister those last weeks. So it's not just me going through all of this.

Despite the decision to quit my job, I'm no longer stressed, my hair no longer falls out and my overall health has improved. It was the right thing to do.

Still, my sister's letter to me advised me not to make any life-altering decisions this first year. The quitting of my job was one she (and my husband) asked of me before she died – wanting me to fulfill a life-long dream to be a writer.

In that first year of many life changes, we are going through those assorted mental states in which we're not always fully wise and capable of making a life-altering decision – such as moving to another state, opening a business or something else huge. So yes, be cautious.

Find a way to immerse yourself into an activity that will fulfill you as you work your way through that first year after a loved one's death.

I spent months renovating the house before we moved in – taking my time to choose colors I loved, and making it into the place I wanted. That project, which lasted four months, got me through the first quarter year of grief.

I began this blog as an exercise to continue writing, so my ability to communicate didn't grow stale.

I worked on my photography. I adopted a dog for companionship (one of the best moves I could have made). I took a vacation with my husband. I was asked to join the board of directors at a historical site in which I had a vested interest and have immersed myself in the work.

And I have the best friends in the world.

After a loved one has died, fill your time with meaningful projects, things that give you joy. Take time each day for prayer, meditation, or simply the time to stop and read a book or take a walk.

One day you will awaken and see the years ahead in a different light – one absent of darkness.

Don't be overly sentimental whilst dealing with the estate

My sister knew I have a penchant for loving family heirlooms. I have difficulty parting with "things" and while I have a clean home, it is usually cluttered with family stuff.

I took her advice to heart, however.

After her death we had two households to merge into one, or, if you consider it – three households. My sister had gone through our Dad's things 10 years previous to her death and gotten rid of a lot, but when I began going through cabinets and bookcases, I found more of my mother's things than I ever anticipated.

Each piece brought back a memory – Easter dinners when I was a child, Christmas celebrations, or even remembering where my parents would display a specific heirloom in the home in which I was raised.

Still, I had my own household of things I enjoyed having around me. I couldn't have it all. I took my sister's advice seriously and weeded out most of her possessions.

Within a few days I had given her clothes to a charity and began compiling things for an auction.

It was easier to part with certain things than I thought it would. The nightmare would be the auction.

When working with an estate as an executor who is also a loved one, I found myself grieving over my sister's death, readying the house to move into and trying find an auctioneer. This left me to where I made a bad decision in who I hired.

Having worked in the newspaper business, I knew a number of auctioneers, yet chose someone close in proximity to our home. It was a mistake not to check references.

As a grieving family member, I was distracted and oftentimes people know that, so they conveniently fail to provide all the information you need to make a sound decision.

I was informed of the auctioneer's fee as well as storage fees, but not the cost of having her people pick up the auctioned items, nor that there was a cost for setting up the auction – something I assumed was part of the original fee I was quoted.

The auction date was moved a number of times by the auctioneer and attended by my attorney, who informed me the auctioneer simply didn't do a full job of selling my items.

It was a sad day to find some 100-year-old heirlooms went for $10 or $15. We took in such a small amount of money that I could barely buy a tank of gas with the proceeds.

You live and learn. I had to let that one go.

Would I ever do an auction again? No. I'd find another way. I would rather donate to charity and feel better about where my family's cherished mementos went, than allow them to be sold off as if they were trash.

Yes, that is sentimental, but my ability to let it all go proved I could clean house and heed my sister's advice.

Choose your attorney wisely

In conclusion, I recommend an executor choose a good family attorney if the estate must go through probate. I called a number of people I knew in our small town for referrals and chose someone I truly enjoyed working with. Her advice was invaluable and she has become a trusted friend.

Lastly, be sure to keep good files that first year. As executor, you will be responsible for filing a final income tax for the deceased as well as including whatever you inherited or earned during that year. Things to consider as well include: property taxes, personal property tax, vehicles, address changes, notification of friends, family – even college alumni associations, closing down of websites, emails, etc.

It sounds daunting, but my best advice is to take it one day at a time. Make lists and cross off each item as you accomplish that task. Be sure to get enough rest and recreation time.

Best of all, know that your long-suffering loved one is at peace and free from pain. That the handprint of love they left in your heart will indeed last for eternity.