"You've got to understand."
"Whatever!"
"Just sayin'"
"Awesome!"
"Totally!"
"Like ... you know"
"Dude!"
"Seriously?"
"Absolutely!"
Have you heard these words lately? Chances are you have, whether from your child, a co-worker, a clerk in a store, a sibling, your spouse or, OK – even your own parent.
We've become slaves to phrases and words that now take up the vocabulary of millions across the globe – each providing apparently suitable ways to comment on just about anything.
My pet peeve is, "You've got to understand." I hear it constantly from my grown son when he wants to convey that his job, child or life is worse than anyone else's in the world.
No, I don't "got" to understand anything. I've lived 57 years – been there, done that.
I admit I enjoy the "just sayin'" phrase and don't know why I even use it. Mostly I find myself tagging it at the end of a comment on Facebook. My mother would say it makes no sense and why do I use it?
She would be right. For someone who was raised poor and whose father refused to allow her to attend school after the eighth grade, she struggled to teach herself better manners, etiquette, the arts, a vocabulary and style all her life, she would abhor the use of such slang.
Phrases used over and over again drove my English major sister crazy. "Awesome or Amazing" could send her over the edge as does the phrase, "Having said that."
As a society, we've gotten how to use proper English. For decades now, "know what I mean," and "you know?" have become part of everyday conversation. It's as if we've forgotten how to speak properly.
Ever notice those who constantly say, "to make a long story short ... " the story is NEVER shorter, but I have heard this phrase repeated unceasingly in a lengthy conversation with a person before.
Where has all this come from?
We are now a society that lives by its cellphones. We can't put them down and texting has become the order of the day. Unless you are a deft teenager, you can't text quickly, so we tend to use abbreviations and incomplete sentences, along with the standard phrases.
I have one family member who insists on saying, "Love yaz" - what is that? First time I saw it I thought he misspelled the word, but now he even says it the same way, "Love yaz" instead of I love you. Yaz has to be short for "yous," and that isn't a proper sentence either.
When did we, as a society become so illiterate?
I'm sure plenty of my readers have seen the new Sprint commercial with James Earl Jones and Malcom McDowell. I've never even heard half of what they say in this commercial, but it's just an example of the words and phrases in use today.
Totes Magotes got to me, so I had to look it up. Seems that the older exclamation, "Totally" made more popular by the Valley Girl years of the 1980s is now "Totes Magotes" and means basically the same thing.
Next time you are out and about, chatting with your teenager, or simply watching a movie, pay attention to the dialogue and you'll notice the odd phrases and words that have crept into the 21st century vocabulary.
I'll say this:
I find it most inappropriate to listen to those who insist I got to understand as they make a long story short yet proceed to – like, you know – tell me the most amazing sight they've seen on their incredibly long drive, in which they also saw an awesome car.
When I question them further, all I get is: "Seriously Dude" (do I LOOK like a dude? I am a 57-year-old grandmother).
Their final answer is, "Whatever."
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Cyber bullying – a new civil war in America
As we approach the dawning of the 14th year in the new century, I pause and look around at the changes around the world.
Not only has global warming changed the climate on the earth, but we've been at war for years, we've endured countless tragedies from 9-1-1 to an increase in school shootings, and other criminal activities that would have boggled our minds just 20 years ago.
This past Black Friday brought more violence than we've seen in previous years. A man was crushed and killed at a Walmart in New York from a surge of customers anxious to get inside the store and buy whatever items were drastically marked down.
The news that day was filled with chilling stories from around the country noting people fighting each other over a hot deal. From shootings to stampedes, the scenario describes one of greed and lust for objects and the total disregard of human life.
It's a sad state of affairs when a great deal at a store turns people into raving lunatics. This is supposed to be a season of love, joy and preparation to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.
I was in retail in the early years of my working life and Black Friday was always busy but never the shopping frenzy it has become.
As we progress toward December 24, the last shopping day before Christmas, we will find angrier drivers on the roads, exhausted and cranky store clerks and more people anxious to simply have the holiday over and done with.
Where has the reason for the season gone?
It's disappeared into a land of greed for the next best deal, owning a bigger and better TV, Xbox, iPad or toy. It's all about placing bigger and nicer gifts under the tree and satisfying our loved one's wish list.
Still, this awful frenzy of the holiday season is not the sole time of year in which people's personalities have changed.
No ... it lasts the whole year through. Try commuting from a small town to a large city and experience the angry, aggressive drivers surrounding you. Put anyone behind the wheel of one- to two-ton vehicle and the most laid back person can become a predator intent on being the first in line, maneuvering in and out of traffic like they are driving in the Indy 500.
It's been 148 years since the Civil War ended and yet we've found ourselves embroiled in another kind of civil war. This one pits one person against another for no political reason, but because they feel empowered to bully one-another.
Social media on the Internet has unleashed a whole new era of bullying, taking what I experienced as a 7-year-old preacher's kid in the 1960s to a new level of pushing and shoving by the click of a computer button.
Cyber bullying has grown so large that youth are killing themselves over the taunts of classmates intent on hurting someone else.
When I was a kid I was called names, not welcomed into the entire neighborhood's clique, and sometimes beaten. Thirty years later when my son was young - in the 1990s - bullying had escalated to sexual assaults and threats of death. Now, 15 years later, cyber bullying, whether by text message or social media, is at epidemic proportions.
We are bullied in the workplace, on the street, in our schools, while shopping. Even a person with a shopping cart in a big box store can push and shove his/her way down an aisle in an attempt to intimidate.
People have become mean and nasty to each other.
I joined Facebook in 2009 and was thrilled to find distant family members, old high school classmates and former co-workers with whom I was reunited. I rejoiced in being able to follow what family members were doing, especially where we lived thousands of miles away.
I saw classmates and their grandchildren and found people whom I had not seen in 30-40 years.
In these past four years, however, most specifically – this past year – I have witnessed and been the target of cyber bullies on Facebook.
On one site dedicated to a place I lived for 14 years, one man attacked dozens of people on threads that had nothing to do with his attacks on them. It took months for the administrator to kick the fellow off the site, but already the damage was done.
I myself was attacked a few months ago by several old acquaintances whose political views are different than mine when I simply posted a statement about a local restaurant where the waitress informed us the entire company had gone part time in an effort to keep costs down as Obama's new healthcare plan was about to unfold.
I merely posted the reason why the service at the restaurant had declined and was rewarded by some heinous comments by people I considered old friends for my close-minded views on our president. In fact, I had simply repeated what our waitress said.
A few days ago I posted a small status about the four-day Thanksgiving weekend, something to the extent of: "what a weekend ... we were sick on Thanksgiving, people died on Black Friday, Paul Walker died in a fiery crash on Saturday and Sunday brought deaths from a train derailment in New York. People seem to have forgotten the reason for the season and the meanness exerts itself now that we're in the shopping season."
In a shocking surprise to me, I was verbally attacked by a family member who turned his back on the family a few months ago. It wasn't the worst I received from him, for he took it to private text messages, 11 of them the next day.
And he didn't even read my post the way it was written! I never said the entire world was down and lost, but you have to be living under a rock to not witness the mean, rude people that walk among us during this time of year.
For a 24 hour period I was bullied in public and in private for quite simply stating my point of view on my own Facebook page.
While a person hides behind a computer screen or cell phone, they may feel it is a cloak of darkness in which they can't be seen and they feel safe to hurt and torment another human being.
It goes on everywhere, on every social media and in every walk of life.
This year I've discovered the glorious advantage of the ability to block someone on Facebook and block someone from sending me messages on my phone. Victims of bullying should take advantage of this option. Rid yourself of the negativity coming at you.
We don't deserve to be bullied, whether on social media, our cell phones, at work, in a store or on the roadway.
The old childhood chant, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me," no longer exists.
Words do hurt. They taunt and torment and sometimes they kill.
As we proceed through this season of great joy and love in the celebration of Christ our savior, please remember, whether you are a Christian or worship in another manor - the words that Christ imparted were ones of peace, friendship and love – that message is universal and transcends every religion and belief in the world.
Not only has global warming changed the climate on the earth, but we've been at war for years, we've endured countless tragedies from 9-1-1 to an increase in school shootings, and other criminal activities that would have boggled our minds just 20 years ago.
This past Black Friday brought more violence than we've seen in previous years. A man was crushed and killed at a Walmart in New York from a surge of customers anxious to get inside the store and buy whatever items were drastically marked down.
The news that day was filled with chilling stories from around the country noting people fighting each other over a hot deal. From shootings to stampedes, the scenario describes one of greed and lust for objects and the total disregard of human life.
It's a sad state of affairs when a great deal at a store turns people into raving lunatics. This is supposed to be a season of love, joy and preparation to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.
I was in retail in the early years of my working life and Black Friday was always busy but never the shopping frenzy it has become.
As we progress toward December 24, the last shopping day before Christmas, we will find angrier drivers on the roads, exhausted and cranky store clerks and more people anxious to simply have the holiday over and done with.
Where has the reason for the season gone?
It's disappeared into a land of greed for the next best deal, owning a bigger and better TV, Xbox, iPad or toy. It's all about placing bigger and nicer gifts under the tree and satisfying our loved one's wish list.
Still, this awful frenzy of the holiday season is not the sole time of year in which people's personalities have changed.
No ... it lasts the whole year through. Try commuting from a small town to a large city and experience the angry, aggressive drivers surrounding you. Put anyone behind the wheel of one- to two-ton vehicle and the most laid back person can become a predator intent on being the first in line, maneuvering in and out of traffic like they are driving in the Indy 500.
It's been 148 years since the Civil War ended and yet we've found ourselves embroiled in another kind of civil war. This one pits one person against another for no political reason, but because they feel empowered to bully one-another.
Social media on the Internet has unleashed a whole new era of bullying, taking what I experienced as a 7-year-old preacher's kid in the 1960s to a new level of pushing and shoving by the click of a computer button.
Cyber bullying has grown so large that youth are killing themselves over the taunts of classmates intent on hurting someone else.
When I was a kid I was called names, not welcomed into the entire neighborhood's clique, and sometimes beaten. Thirty years later when my son was young - in the 1990s - bullying had escalated to sexual assaults and threats of death. Now, 15 years later, cyber bullying, whether by text message or social media, is at epidemic proportions.
We are bullied in the workplace, on the street, in our schools, while shopping. Even a person with a shopping cart in a big box store can push and shove his/her way down an aisle in an attempt to intimidate.
People have become mean and nasty to each other.
I joined Facebook in 2009 and was thrilled to find distant family members, old high school classmates and former co-workers with whom I was reunited. I rejoiced in being able to follow what family members were doing, especially where we lived thousands of miles away.
I saw classmates and their grandchildren and found people whom I had not seen in 30-40 years.
In these past four years, however, most specifically – this past year – I have witnessed and been the target of cyber bullies on Facebook.
On one site dedicated to a place I lived for 14 years, one man attacked dozens of people on threads that had nothing to do with his attacks on them. It took months for the administrator to kick the fellow off the site, but already the damage was done.
I myself was attacked a few months ago by several old acquaintances whose political views are different than mine when I simply posted a statement about a local restaurant where the waitress informed us the entire company had gone part time in an effort to keep costs down as Obama's new healthcare plan was about to unfold.
I merely posted the reason why the service at the restaurant had declined and was rewarded by some heinous comments by people I considered old friends for my close-minded views on our president. In fact, I had simply repeated what our waitress said.
A few days ago I posted a small status about the four-day Thanksgiving weekend, something to the extent of: "what a weekend ... we were sick on Thanksgiving, people died on Black Friday, Paul Walker died in a fiery crash on Saturday and Sunday brought deaths from a train derailment in New York. People seem to have forgotten the reason for the season and the meanness exerts itself now that we're in the shopping season."
In a shocking surprise to me, I was verbally attacked by a family member who turned his back on the family a few months ago. It wasn't the worst I received from him, for he took it to private text messages, 11 of them the next day.
And he didn't even read my post the way it was written! I never said the entire world was down and lost, but you have to be living under a rock to not witness the mean, rude people that walk among us during this time of year.
For a 24 hour period I was bullied in public and in private for quite simply stating my point of view on my own Facebook page.
While a person hides behind a computer screen or cell phone, they may feel it is a cloak of darkness in which they can't be seen and they feel safe to hurt and torment another human being.
It goes on everywhere, on every social media and in every walk of life.
This year I've discovered the glorious advantage of the ability to block someone on Facebook and block someone from sending me messages on my phone. Victims of bullying should take advantage of this option. Rid yourself of the negativity coming at you.
We don't deserve to be bullied, whether on social media, our cell phones, at work, in a store or on the roadway.
The old childhood chant, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me," no longer exists.
Words do hurt. They taunt and torment and sometimes they kill.
As we proceed through this season of great joy and love in the celebration of Christ our savior, please remember, whether you are a Christian or worship in another manor - the words that Christ imparted were ones of peace, friendship and love – that message is universal and transcends every religion and belief in the world.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
A loved one has died, you are the executor, now what do you do?
No matter how much planning we do, we are never ready when death comes knocking on our door. My sister recently passed away after 13 years of our taking care of her and 20 years of illness. She did a pretty good job of setting her estate up knowing I would be stepping in to handle her affairs, but I still had a few surprises.
No one can think of everything.
Nevertheless, she left me a letter to be opened upon her death and aside from the personal notes to me, she left me a short list of valuable advice.
• Don't be overly sentimental whilst dealing with the estate.
• Experiencing a loved one's death is a major life change, so don't make any major decisions for a year.
• Don't grieve for my death, "I lived, I loved."
I'll address these three things in this blog, beginning with the last one first.
No matter how well we think we know someone, we don't know everything. My sister's advice was for me to not spend my grief time being sad for the idea I had about her life. In other words, there was a lot I didn't know about her life before she became ill and she assured me she lived and loved.
Death comes in a wide variety of ways. None of them are any fun for the deceased, but some are easier than others for the person doing the dying and the loved ones surrounding him/her.
When a person has a disease and has that slow process of dying, the family has time to adjust to their loss. Often the suffering of the deceased is so hard on the family, there is obvious relief when their loved one has passed on.
No matter what, never let anyone tell you it's time to stop grieving; you shouldn't be sad because your loved one suffered so and how dare you be so selfish; or that it's unnatural for you to grieve so much.
Grief is one of the most personal experiences anyone can endure in their lifetime and we all do it differently.
Love is the greatest emotion and, frankly, action – we experience. Therefore, when we lose someone we love, the pain is often unbearable.
Live it, love it, experience it. Cry, sob, allow all the emotions to come and go, like the ebb and flow of the tide. Grief is normal and natural.
Both of my parents and my sister died from diseases in which their dying process was drawn out and they suffered. Nevertheless, we were able to say our goodbyes. My nephew, however, was hit by a car at the age of 18 and died. That experience brought about a totally different grieving process than one could imagine.
One can get through the grieving time with faith, hope and love – allowing that wonderful love you have for your loved one expand your heart. Love goes with us when we die and becomes larger than we could ever imagine.
It's a good thing.
There's an old adage about experiencing several life changes within one year can cause problems in one's life, so be careful about making decisions. Hence my sister's advice to me.
We are creatures of habit and anytime there is a change in our lives, however minute, it can wreak havoc on our physical and mental health. Therefore, when more than one life change occurs in a short time span, it can cause even more difficulty in dealing with day-to-day life.
This year I lost my sister after caring for her for years. I quit a job I loved, but one where I had an abusive, manipulative boss – thus a lot of stress on a daily basis. I moved into a new home. I had a car accident in which I was injured and my sister's car was totaled. My son was in a car accident of his own. And we've had a number of family situations and dramas that have taken a toll on our lives.
That's a lot of life changes, all of which I basically share with my husband, who went through everything with me, including caring for my sister those last weeks. So it's not just me going through all of this.
Despite the decision to quit my job, I'm no longer stressed, my hair no longer falls out and my overall health has improved. It was the right thing to do.
Still, my sister's letter to me advised me not to make any life-altering decisions this first year. The quitting of my job was one she (and my husband) asked of me before she died – wanting me to fulfill a life-long dream to be a writer.
In that first year of many life changes, we are going through those assorted mental states in which we're not always fully wise and capable of making a life-altering decision – such as moving to another state, opening a business or something else huge. So yes, be cautious.
Find a way to immerse yourself into an activity that will fulfill you as you work your way through that first year after a loved one's death.
I spent months renovating the house before we moved in – taking my time to choose colors I loved, and making it into the place I wanted. That project, which lasted four months, got me through the first quarter year of grief.
I began this blog as an exercise to continue writing, so my ability to communicate didn't grow stale.
I worked on my photography. I adopted a dog for companionship (one of the best moves I could have made). I took a vacation with my husband. I was asked to join the board of directors at a historical site in which I had a vested interest and have immersed myself in the work.
And I have the best friends in the world.
After a loved one has died, fill your time with meaningful projects, things that give you joy. Take time each day for prayer, meditation, or simply the time to stop and read a book or take a walk.
One day you will awaken and see the years ahead in a different light – one absent of darkness.
My sister knew I have a penchant for loving family heirlooms. I have difficulty parting with "things" and while I have a clean home, it is usually cluttered with family stuff.
I took her advice to heart, however.
After her death we had two households to merge into one, or, if you consider it – three households. My sister had gone through our Dad's things 10 years previous to her death and gotten rid of a lot, but when I began going through cabinets and bookcases, I found more of my mother's things than I ever anticipated.
Each piece brought back a memory – Easter dinners when I was a child, Christmas celebrations, or even remembering where my parents would display a specific heirloom in the home in which I was raised.
Still, I had my own household of things I enjoyed having around me. I couldn't have it all. I took my sister's advice seriously and weeded out most of her possessions.
Within a few days I had given her clothes to a charity and began compiling things for an auction.
It was easier to part with certain things than I thought it would. The nightmare would be the auction.
When working with an estate as an executor who is also a loved one, I found myself grieving over my sister's death, readying the house to move into and trying find an auctioneer. This left me to where I made a bad decision in who I hired.
Having worked in the newspaper business, I knew a number of auctioneers, yet chose someone close in proximity to our home. It was a mistake not to check references.
As a grieving family member, I was distracted and oftentimes people know that, so they conveniently fail to provide all the information you need to make a sound decision.
I was informed of the auctioneer's fee as well as storage fees, but not the cost of having her people pick up the auctioned items, nor that there was a cost for setting up the auction – something I assumed was part of the original fee I was quoted.
The auction date was moved a number of times by the auctioneer and attended by my attorney, who informed me the auctioneer simply didn't do a full job of selling my items.
It was a sad day to find some 100-year-old heirlooms went for $10 or $15. We took in such a small amount of money that I could barely buy a tank of gas with the proceeds.
You live and learn. I had to let that one go.
Would I ever do an auction again? No. I'd find another way. I would rather donate to charity and feel better about where my family's cherished mementos went, than allow them to be sold off as if they were trash.
Yes, that is sentimental, but my ability to let it all go proved I could clean house and heed my sister's advice.
In conclusion, I recommend an executor choose a good family attorney if the estate must go through probate. I called a number of people I knew in our small town for referrals and chose someone I truly enjoyed working with. Her advice was invaluable and she has become a trusted friend.
Lastly, be sure to keep good files that first year. As executor, you will be responsible for filing a final income tax for the deceased as well as including whatever you inherited or earned during that year. Things to consider as well include: property taxes, personal property tax, vehicles, address changes, notification of friends, family – even college alumni associations, closing down of websites, emails, etc.
It sounds daunting, but my best advice is to take it one day at a time. Make lists and cross off each item as you accomplish that task. Be sure to get enough rest and recreation time.
Best of all, know that your long-suffering loved one is at peace and free from pain. That the handprint of love they left in your heart will indeed last for eternity.
No one can think of everything.
Nevertheless, she left me a letter to be opened upon her death and aside from the personal notes to me, she left me a short list of valuable advice.
• Don't be overly sentimental whilst dealing with the estate.
• Experiencing a loved one's death is a major life change, so don't make any major decisions for a year.
• Don't grieve for my death, "I lived, I loved."
I'll address these three things in this blog, beginning with the last one first.
Don't grieve for my death, "I lived, I loved"
No matter how well we think we know someone, we don't know everything. My sister's advice was for me to not spend my grief time being sad for the idea I had about her life. In other words, there was a lot I didn't know about her life before she became ill and she assured me she lived and loved.
Death comes in a wide variety of ways. None of them are any fun for the deceased, but some are easier than others for the person doing the dying and the loved ones surrounding him/her.
When a person has a disease and has that slow process of dying, the family has time to adjust to their loss. Often the suffering of the deceased is so hard on the family, there is obvious relief when their loved one has passed on.
No matter what, never let anyone tell you it's time to stop grieving; you shouldn't be sad because your loved one suffered so and how dare you be so selfish; or that it's unnatural for you to grieve so much.
Grief is one of the most personal experiences anyone can endure in their lifetime and we all do it differently.
Love is the greatest emotion and, frankly, action – we experience. Therefore, when we lose someone we love, the pain is often unbearable.
Live it, love it, experience it. Cry, sob, allow all the emotions to come and go, like the ebb and flow of the tide. Grief is normal and natural.
Both of my parents and my sister died from diseases in which their dying process was drawn out and they suffered. Nevertheless, we were able to say our goodbyes. My nephew, however, was hit by a car at the age of 18 and died. That experience brought about a totally different grieving process than one could imagine.
One can get through the grieving time with faith, hope and love – allowing that wonderful love you have for your loved one expand your heart. Love goes with us when we die and becomes larger than we could ever imagine.
It's a good thing.
Experiencing a loved one's death is a major life change
There's an old adage about experiencing several life changes within one year can cause problems in one's life, so be careful about making decisions. Hence my sister's advice to me.
We are creatures of habit and anytime there is a change in our lives, however minute, it can wreak havoc on our physical and mental health. Therefore, when more than one life change occurs in a short time span, it can cause even more difficulty in dealing with day-to-day life.
This year I lost my sister after caring for her for years. I quit a job I loved, but one where I had an abusive, manipulative boss – thus a lot of stress on a daily basis. I moved into a new home. I had a car accident in which I was injured and my sister's car was totaled. My son was in a car accident of his own. And we've had a number of family situations and dramas that have taken a toll on our lives.
That's a lot of life changes, all of which I basically share with my husband, who went through everything with me, including caring for my sister those last weeks. So it's not just me going through all of this.
Despite the decision to quit my job, I'm no longer stressed, my hair no longer falls out and my overall health has improved. It was the right thing to do.
Still, my sister's letter to me advised me not to make any life-altering decisions this first year. The quitting of my job was one she (and my husband) asked of me before she died – wanting me to fulfill a life-long dream to be a writer.
In that first year of many life changes, we are going through those assorted mental states in which we're not always fully wise and capable of making a life-altering decision – such as moving to another state, opening a business or something else huge. So yes, be cautious.
Find a way to immerse yourself into an activity that will fulfill you as you work your way through that first year after a loved one's death.
I spent months renovating the house before we moved in – taking my time to choose colors I loved, and making it into the place I wanted. That project, which lasted four months, got me through the first quarter year of grief.
I began this blog as an exercise to continue writing, so my ability to communicate didn't grow stale.
I worked on my photography. I adopted a dog for companionship (one of the best moves I could have made). I took a vacation with my husband. I was asked to join the board of directors at a historical site in which I had a vested interest and have immersed myself in the work.
And I have the best friends in the world.
After a loved one has died, fill your time with meaningful projects, things that give you joy. Take time each day for prayer, meditation, or simply the time to stop and read a book or take a walk.
One day you will awaken and see the years ahead in a different light – one absent of darkness.
Don't be overly sentimental whilst dealing with the estate
My sister knew I have a penchant for loving family heirlooms. I have difficulty parting with "things" and while I have a clean home, it is usually cluttered with family stuff.
I took her advice to heart, however.
After her death we had two households to merge into one, or, if you consider it – three households. My sister had gone through our Dad's things 10 years previous to her death and gotten rid of a lot, but when I began going through cabinets and bookcases, I found more of my mother's things than I ever anticipated.
Each piece brought back a memory – Easter dinners when I was a child, Christmas celebrations, or even remembering where my parents would display a specific heirloom in the home in which I was raised.
Still, I had my own household of things I enjoyed having around me. I couldn't have it all. I took my sister's advice seriously and weeded out most of her possessions.
Within a few days I had given her clothes to a charity and began compiling things for an auction.
It was easier to part with certain things than I thought it would. The nightmare would be the auction.
When working with an estate as an executor who is also a loved one, I found myself grieving over my sister's death, readying the house to move into and trying find an auctioneer. This left me to where I made a bad decision in who I hired.
Having worked in the newspaper business, I knew a number of auctioneers, yet chose someone close in proximity to our home. It was a mistake not to check references.
As a grieving family member, I was distracted and oftentimes people know that, so they conveniently fail to provide all the information you need to make a sound decision.
I was informed of the auctioneer's fee as well as storage fees, but not the cost of having her people pick up the auctioned items, nor that there was a cost for setting up the auction – something I assumed was part of the original fee I was quoted.
The auction date was moved a number of times by the auctioneer and attended by my attorney, who informed me the auctioneer simply didn't do a full job of selling my items.
It was a sad day to find some 100-year-old heirlooms went for $10 or $15. We took in such a small amount of money that I could barely buy a tank of gas with the proceeds.
You live and learn. I had to let that one go.
Would I ever do an auction again? No. I'd find another way. I would rather donate to charity and feel better about where my family's cherished mementos went, than allow them to be sold off as if they were trash.
Yes, that is sentimental, but my ability to let it all go proved I could clean house and heed my sister's advice.
Choose your attorney wisely
In conclusion, I recommend an executor choose a good family attorney if the estate must go through probate. I called a number of people I knew in our small town for referrals and chose someone I truly enjoyed working with. Her advice was invaluable and she has become a trusted friend.
Lastly, be sure to keep good files that first year. As executor, you will be responsible for filing a final income tax for the deceased as well as including whatever you inherited or earned during that year. Things to consider as well include: property taxes, personal property tax, vehicles, address changes, notification of friends, family – even college alumni associations, closing down of websites, emails, etc.
It sounds daunting, but my best advice is to take it one day at a time. Make lists and cross off each item as you accomplish that task. Be sure to get enough rest and recreation time.
Best of all, know that your long-suffering loved one is at peace and free from pain. That the handprint of love they left in your heart will indeed last for eternity.
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